Attachment Type Combinations in Relationships. Anxious-Preoccupied with Secure.

I didn’t go into great detail, mostly because the book is directed at those looking to get into a relationship, not those trying to deal with one they already have while I discuss how the different attachment types fare in relationships with each other in my book (Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong. But I see there was great curiosity about making use of attachment concept and types to try and guide difficult relationships to an even more safe and satisfying pattern, tright herefore here’s my (often speculative) take for each combination kind:

Protected with Secure:

These partners may well have other issues (addiction, distinctions over cash and investing, fairy-tale objectives), but from the entire they tend to communicate well and don’t end up in the dysfunctional communication patterns as often since they are both Secure. Having unique interior feeling of protection makes them less self-centered, and enables greater empathy due to their partner’s feelings. A feeling of reasonableness and fairness makes every problem they face a little simpler to face together, and relying upon one another is much more usually rewarded.

The Preoccupied one will test the patience regarding the safe one by requiring more communications of reassurance and edging toward anxiety once the protected one can’t respond quickly or reassuringly. This may have a tendency to drive the protected one toward a more Dismissive attachment style in interactions–despite possessing internal safety, the exorbitant needs associated with the Preoccupied will make anyone less patient. If this dilemma is certainly not too serious, the protected partner can bring the Preoccupied partner further toward security by constant patient reassurance, even if the Preoccupied one has been unreasonable.

The protected partner will often feel alone in carrying almost all of the duty for the relationship’s emotional security. In crisis, the Preoccupied will return to self-centeredness and anxiety, and which will feel to your safe like partner flakeout. In the event that relationship does well while the Preoccupied grow better over time, this issue will relieve.

Dismissive-Avoidant with Secure:

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The Dismissive will have a tendency to drive the protected partner toward accessory anxiety by neglecting to react well or after all to reasonable communications requesting reassurance. Just like the Preoccupied, an incredibly safe partner can slowly replace the insecure partner toward more protection, but at great price in persistence and energy. In the event that Dismissive recognizes the difficulty and takes some responsibility for attempting to react definitely even though he does not really feel just like it, this might slowly reorient the Dismissive partner toward more satisfying partners interaction. The Secure partner knows someone better is out there and is not too afraid to give up on a losing relationship if this does not happen, a Secure is more likely to give up on the relationship and move on, since unlike the Preoccupied who often stick with bad relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant with Secure:

It has some similarities aided by the Dismissive-Secure pairing, nevertheless the lower self-esteem of this Fearful-Avoidant causes it to be much more likely she or he would be the anyone to leave the partnership whenever it becomes intimate and routine, considering that the closer they arrive at an actual person the greater amount of afraid they truly are of loss, and evidently rationalizing their exit as because of the partner’s flaws is less painful than they subconsciously imagine being refused by their partner could be.

Dismissive-Avoidant with Anxious-Preoccupied:

This really is a vintage lasting but pairing that is dysfunctional. The 2 kinds (one under-valuing accessory and one over-valuing accessory) create an interlocking dependency packed with anxiety and stress for both. As the Dismissive might actually prefer having his/her view of other people as needy and clingy confirmed, and also by the feeling of managing the relationship by doling down simply sufficient responsiveness to help keep the Preoccupied partner off-balance but within the hook, the Dismissive may settle set for the long term, although the Preoccupied partner is unhappy with settling for crumbs but sticks around away from anxiety about being alone, afraid of never ever finding another relationship.

This is certainly perhaps one of the most typical (2nd and then Secure-Secure) durable relationship kinds. More with this few type: Anxious-Preoccupied / Dismissive-Avoidant Couples: the Silent Treatment, Anxious-Preoccupied: Stuck regarding the Dismissive?

Fearful-Avoidant with Anxious-Preoccupied:

Somewhat just like the pairing that is dismissive-Preoccupied but less stable; the avoidant partner will soon be less confident with the constant needs for reassurance through the Preoccupied partner and you will be less likely to want to tolerate an extended relationship spent fending down closeness. The preoccupied partner will be unhappy and increase the level of requests if the avoidant partner allows real closeness to develop, that triggers his or her anxiety; if they stay at a distance.

Anxious-Preoccupied with Anxious-Preoccupied:

A match that always ends defectively and quickly as neither partner is great at anticipating the requirements of one other. It is maybe not impossible that two mildly Preoccupied people will connect and learn how to satisfy each other’s protection requirements, however it is uncommon.

Fearful-Avoidant with Dismissive-Avoidant:

Unusual, since neither avoidant type is excellent at good accessory. The fearful-Avoidant is not comfortable without intimacy and would find the Dismissive’s lack of positive messaging as anxiety-inducing as the other types while one might think both types would prefer to be with more distancing partners. Meanwhile, the Dismissive partner doesn’t get just as much ego-boosting attention as he or she’d from another kind, and thus this combination is less inclined to also begin.

Dismissive-Avoidant with Dismissive-Avoidant: